They say there's no global warming. But right now the North Pole is a pool. It is beyond global warming. At this point it's cooking. I can't even get a condom on when I want to! Yeah, I got a love glove. Hold on. We didn't make the deadline. Taking Viagra after open heart surgery is like a Civil War re-enactment with live ammo. Not good. Okra, tastes like snot.
The more you cook it, the more it turns into string. Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some get it as a graduation gift. If you're basically having Frosted Flakes, and you're older than ten years old and it's after ten o'clock in the morning I'm gonna guess: weed may be involved. People go "now, Robin, how do I know if I'm an alcoholic? Number one, after a night of heavy drinking, you wake up fully clothed going "Hey! Somebody shit in my pants! Number two, you have a couple of cocktails, you find yourself on the freeway going, "What are these fuckers doing going the wrong way?
Number three, you get drunk, you go out for Indian food, you wake up in Bombay with a camel licking your balls. Ta da! You are an alcoholic! It's like being a paraplegic lap dancer. You can do it, just not as well as the others, really. You don't need cocaine!
There's another way to get real high, and really mess your mind up, it's called marathon running! Keith Richards is the only man who can make the Osbornes look fucking Amish. I've seen him going to a drug dealer who said: "I'm out, man! Every so often, Rumsfeld comes out and goes, "I don't know where. I don't know when. But something awful's going to happen. Thank you, that's all for today, no further questions. What is it, the Central "Intuitive" Agency now? The drug they gave me for the surgery was a drug called Propofol. Which, it's nickname is milk of amnesia.
Fucking insane drug. I had that in a surgical situation. Michael Jackson was taking Propofol at home to sleep. Fuck off. A doctor said taking Propofol to sleep is like doing chemotherapy because you're tired of shaving your fucking head. The definition of insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome.
And we elected him the second time, the whole world went "What the fuck is going on with you people? The definition of pornography is quite simple. Erotic is using a feather, pornography is using the entire chicken.
If there was a pill that allowed you to drink and not get drunk, an alcoholic would go "What happens if you take two? When they named a hurricane "Hurricane Ike", I went "finally, they have the balls to name a hurricane after a crack-smoking, wife-beating motherfucker. Some things you may want to stay away from while drinking heavily. Ebay, not a good idea. Ebay and alcoholism, perfect storm of addiction.
You'll find yourself up to your ass in George Foreman grills and Sham Wows. You LIAR! I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick. We may all be dead and gone, Keith Richards will still be there with five cockroaches. He'll be going, "I smoked your uncle, did you know that?
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio. A woman would never make a nuclear bomb.
They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. The Chinese had accused the Tibetans of being terrorists, which is weird. A Tibetan terrorist is like an Amish hacker. It just doesn't fit. Now the airport security is tight. You go through the metal detector and if you are heavily pierced, like some of my friends: "Take out your keys, sir. I'm sure that was his last wish. I'm sure Albert said, "Victoria, I'm dying. I want you to name a museum, a performance hall and a bolt through the cock after me.
Go, my darling. I've been watching a little bit of porn since I've been on the road. It's interesting when you see a girl with a bolt through her tongue. Why did you do that? To enahthe the thekthual thtimulathon. We're dealing with fundamentalists And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic.
Remember that. It doesn't scare me that George W. Bush waved at Stevie Wonder. That's OK.
Stevie's only been blind since birth! And there's W. Does he think I'm looking for him? They say the platypus was an animal designed by committee. Was the human body designed by committee?
Was there a group of guys who designed it? Was a guy going "Tom, do you have those designs for the human reproductive system? Let's show you what we came up with. Normally, with the mammal penis, we have the retractable. We decided to do something different from the mammal We call it the collapsible.
I had my back waxed once by two women When you create you get a little endorphin rush. Why do you think Einstein looked like that? We're now under the offices of Homeland Security. Tom Ridge ever so often goes: "Today is a blue day. They had to be very careful picking that name: "Homeland Security". They couldn't say Fatherland because a lot of the old Germans are going: "That's a good one! As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them. You will do shit that even the Devil would go "dude And it's not bad enough that they make porn movies, they make porn movies of MY movies.
They made "Good Will Humping. That was scary. A clown with a strap-on. Fuck off! You know, "Popeye", I would watch. George W Bush almost died from a fucking pretzel. We have billions of dollars in national defense.
They want billions more for national security. And he almost fucking goes down from snack food! Secret Service is going: "Game over, man! Gilligan's down.
What did Bruce Forsyth say when the Christmas pheasant repeated on him? Q: What do sheep say to each other at Christmas time? Q: Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters? They take everything literally. Cow Joke 47 What do cows get when they do all their chores?
They were licking him for the salt. I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though. They call it freebasing. It's not free, it costs you your house! It should be called homebasing! Three signs you're addicted to cocaine: First of all, if you come home to your house and you have no furniture and your cat's going "I'm outta here, prick! Number two: If you have this dream where you're doing cocaine in your sleep and you can't fall asleep, and you wake up and you're doing cocaine, BINGO! When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
My God, what am I doing here? It's weird. How do you get to the Met? Lots and lots of money! I can imagine Pavarotti next door at the improv going "Two Jews walk into a bar What kind of food did we drop on Afghanistan? Pop-Tarts, peanut butter Why are we dropping this food on Afghanistan? Tastes a hell of a lot better than dirt, number one. Number two, difficult to have a call to jihad with a mouth full of peanut butter.
Thirdly, Afghanistan is a hashish-smoking culture, and anyone who's ever been a friend of the hookah will go, intense, stoned stare "Pop-Tarts! After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car. The Swiss, ya! The Geneva Convention. If there's ever a nuclear war, they will be the only people going: "Vhat was that noise? The nice Germans. Or, as they like to say, "the other white race. I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.
The manly sport of golf, where you can dress like a pimp and no one will care. Jesus was an only child. Thank God! Who would want to be Jerry, the brother of Christ? That's a tough gig. I'll sit there with a rash and sand in my ass. Great day for me! I listen to a lot of Jazz, specifically Keith Jarrett piano solos. And for me, if you want just wonderful ballads and love songs, Tom Waits. For those special nights.
I don't play golf. I was once at a driving range with my son, I hit 2 balls, and he said "Dad, that's enough. Pot is not like alcohol.
Alcohol changes your moods. Go to a bar at happy hour and see some happy motherfuckers there. Guys going: "Hey, fuck you, my man! I'm half way there". I'm still waiting for the next Call of Duty. It's been very unusual for me because I've done trips overseas to Iraq and Afghanistan, and I would see guys who had just come back from patrol playing Call of Duty, and I would say "you're living this stuff!
And yet you're still playing this game And I love to ride my bike, which is great aerobics, but also just a great time for me to think, so it's like this terrific double bill. My Irish accent transitions into two or three others. It slips into Welsh, Scottish, and then it just starts to break down. Baseball players have to go in front of a grand jury and say, "Yeah, I did cocaine. Can you blame me? It's a slow goddamn game! Come on Jack! Standing out in left field for seven innings, and there's a long white line going down to home plate! I see the guy putting it out going "Heh heh heh heh!!!!
Third base coach is always doing this When he's doing that, I don't know whether to slide or do a line! People sliding into home plate head first, umpire goes, "You're out! Ha ha ha! Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all of its students. A woman in the Dallas airport came up to me and literally said "Be zany. I just went "Thank you!
And Lincoln freed everyone. My children give me a great sense of wonder. Just to see them develop into these extraordinary human beings. And a favourite book as a child? Lewis series out loud to my kids. Just read it as yourself. At that time there were very few mechanical devices so it was literally guys on pulleys flying me across - I think it was 2 guys to pull me across.
They would say "we're doing another take" and they would say "oh, not again. For me, the one big question is: how do you get Crucifixion, Resurrection and then chocolate bunnies, colored eggs? How do you do that one? Even kids are going: "Rabbits don't lay eggs. What is this? You don't want a cream filled cross You don't wanna put raspberry jam in the grass going: "We're looking for Jesus, kids, come on! I've actually gone to the zoo and had monkeys shout to me from their cages, "I'm in here when you're walking around like that?
Sometimes you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun. One time in makeup as Mrs. Doubtfire, I walked into a sex shop in San Francisco and tried to buy a double-headed dildo. Just because. Why not? And the guy was about to sell it to me until he realised it was me — Robin Williams — not an older Scottish woman coming in to look for a very large dildo and a jar of lube. Did I make the purchase?
Did I walk away with a really good story? I think I am sometimes a poster child for arrested development in terms of I'm fascinated with toys and games. And I'm spontaneous. Jacob: Snow cones! Travis: Where do polar bears vote? Anthony: Where? Travis: The North Poll! Teacher: Johnny, define claustrophobia. Johnny: Fear of Santa Claus? Santa: Knock, knock. Santa: Olive. Elf: Olive, who? Santa: Olive the other reindeer. Luke: What do elves do after school? Luke: Their gnome work! Chance: Why did Rudolph get a bad report card? Nate: Why? Chance: Because he went down in history.
Joe: What nationality is Santa Claus? Moe: What? Joe: North Polish. Robert: What? Josh: What? Daniel: Christmas corals. Luke: How do you know? Darth Vader: I can feel your presents. Tim: Not sure. Steve: Ornamints. Josh: Knock, knock! Josh: Dexter. Samantha: Dexter, who? Josh: Dexter halls with boughs of holly. Sam: What do you get when you eat Christmas ornaments? Devin: Not sure. Sam: Tinsel-itis! Trey: What do you get when you cross a snowman and a dog? Brandon: I give up. Trey: Frostbite.
Pedro: What does Santa say at the start of a race? Mark: Dunno. Josh: Because he had low elf esteem! William: What did one snowman say to the other snowman? David: What? William: Do you smell carrots? Pee Wee: What did the reindeer say to the football player?
Tammi: How? Do you know some funny Christmas jokes? All rights reserved. Powered by WordPress. Recent Comments. Me says: " Suggest knife sharpener We went to the rockie mountains one time and no ticks all week! Hubby took oldest on BS camp and hubby forgot to wash with it. He had a few ticks and he pretreated their clothing. After he wash, he had none.