BELLA TAKES HER BOSS (Dominant Women Submissive Men)

Bella Swann
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This qualitative methodological approach is grounded on So- cial Constructionism, which is one of the emerging paradigms in Sociology. This paradigm maintains that individuals base their subjective constructs of social reality on objective con- ditions of existence.

Other research techniques were also used, such as: 1 par- ticipant observation carried out in the workplaces of inter- viewees following standard practice ; 2 documentary analy- sis; 3 gathering of secondary information. These techniques complemented one another and furnished supplementary in- formation on the same phenomenon. The research followed an emerging design based on succes- sive findings arising from the various interviews. This means that each of the actors interviewed provided and reported on her own knowledge and information.

Interviewing ambassa- dors and stakeholders shed light on how both viewpoints complement each other. Thus the description is enriched by nuances to form a whole that embraced the contributions of everyone involved in the project. Social Constructionism. London: Routledge, or another classic work — Berger, P. London: Penguin Books. Altogether, 46 interviews were conducted. The inter- viewees fell into two clearly-defined groups, reflecting different points of view: 25 brand ambassadors and 21 stakeholders. Total number of interviews by type The most important criterion used in selecting the sample was the quest for as many kinds of experience as possible to yield the widest range of viewpoints.

Thus, the greater the dif- ferences between the interviewees, the greater the richness in points of view and the more relevant are the points they share in common. Almost all of the interviews The interviews with stakeholders followed a different distri- bution from that of the ambassadors. Madrid accounted for Figure 2: Interviews by place held and type of person interviewed 3. The interviewees were selected to cover the wide range of conditions, situations and personal experiences. Figure 3: Time spent by the brand ambassadors interviewed at ESAB The sample revealed a very wide range with regard to time spent in the project.

While some ambassadors had not yet begun working at the point of sale, others had been in the project from the start in It is estimated that the average time spent by the interviewees in the project was However, one in five interviewees had spent only a few months in it — or roughly half a campaign.

The most veteran women — those spending over two years in the project — made up almost a quarter of the ambassadors interviewed. While the average age was around 45, the interviewees ranged between under 30 to over Practically women of all working ages were represented in the sample. Most of these interviews were with stakeholders who had managed the project: Danone Group staff 5 , FAB employees 5 or staff from the Momentum Task Force company 3 interviews.

Interviews were also conducted with other actors who knew the project first-hand. This ensured a broad spectrum of viewpoints and approach- es to the issues. The number and range of the individuals in the sample thus allowed a fair number of interpretations. To do so, the following two questions need to be answered. What do we understand by violence against women? In practical terms, it boils down to harming women, their relations with others and their commitment to and membership of the rest of society.

Violence perpetrated by a spouse or partner is more likely when the woman is economically or financially dependent. This in such circumstances, the woman faces stark choices and has limited options when deciding whether to continue or to end the relationship. The chances of her suffering from severe physical violence is higher under such conditions.

When the property owned and resources commanded by women do not dovetail with social norms, ten- sions and conflict in the home and between the couple may arise. This is particularly so when the woman is better-heeled than her partner — something that may be seen by the male partner as a challenge to his power and authority. In such circumstances, the man may resort to violence to re-establish his authority.

In any event, the origins and persistence of violence against women lie in a set of social norms and values that assumes male superiority and which results in power asymmetry be- tween the sexes to the detriment of women. These strong gender norms establish different socially-acceptable roles for men and women. In turn, this provides social justification for violence between women when one of the partners usually the woman does not meet the socially-assigned gender role. In this violence against women, the survivors tend to blame themselves. Empowerment must necessarily provide the means by which women gain access to the resources they need if they are to make informed decisions and take control over their lives.

Development and Change 30 : — Rather, it is a process that each person experiences in his or her own way. In this respect, one can say that empow- erment stems from diverse experiences of education, organi- sations, employment and so on. One should also note that empowerment is a multi-dimension- al phenomenon. In the case of women who have suffered from gender violence, it is clear that empowerment is expressed in public and private spheres and has financial, personal, social and psychological consequences.

Having the financial wherewithal is an important factor but it is not the only one. Indeed, the relation- ship between empowerment and the availability of resources is a two-way street: access to resources facilitates the empowerment of women, while empow- erment provides access to both more resources and to new ones. While it has often been said that working outside the home creates a double burden for women especially if the woman has to look after young children , having a job makes women more financially independent and hence increases their freedom in other spheres.

On the other hand, this financial empowerment protects women from gender violence — another benefit arising from the empowerment process. Having a paid job not only brings them income but also boosts their confi- dence and self-respect, which in turn reinforces the empowerment process. This kind of psychological empowerment helps the women change how they see themselves, take great- er care of themselves and become better at coping with the challenges that crop up.

Self-confidence is what most influences their contentment with life and is even more important than material or social re- sources. They not only act more confidently in their relations but are also capable of getting involved in and mobilising self-help groups. The involvement of the women in support groups fur- ther reinforces the empowerment process they have begun. A woman is capable of overcoming her circum- stances and getting involved in causes that improve the lot of others.

This social and relational empowerment also chang- es the personal relations the women forge. Some- times they re-establish old relationships that fell in abeyance during the period of domestic abuse. On other occasions, they forge new relationships based on greater equality. Finally, once the empowerment process takes hold, the women are able to forge new loving relationships and thus overcome past painful, traumatic experiences.

These three dimensions of empowerment do not nec- essarily trace out a linear, cumulative process but rather are dynamically interrelated. Social relation- ships are the most important factor for feeling happy. The happier one feels, the easier it is to forge quali- ty social relations in at least three spheres: friends, family, partner. Likewise, when a woman is self-con- fident, she is more effective at attaining her aims — including job-related ones.

As noted earlier, gender-based violence stems from the social structure itself through various socialisation agents — family, school, religion and so on — which have repressed women merely for being what they are. It forms part of a patriarchal system cul- tural mores that gives men the whip hand over women. This patriarchal model of relations between the sexes expects men to affirm their superiority by showing strength, directing and governing, adopting an active role in the business sphere and taking a dominant role at home.

By contrast, women are expected to play second fiddle in the public sphere and be submissive in the family circle.

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Paradoxically, growing equality between the sexes and the greater independence of women may be one of the main cau- ses of rising male chauvinist violence. In legal terms, ill-treatment is considered the lowest rung on the ladder of gender violence. While there are some common factors to individual cases alcoholism, drug addic- tion, mental problems that can trigger or facilitate violence.

Nevertheless, one needs to see male violence against women as a social problem. Consequently, gender violence or male chauvinist violence is understood as violence perpetrated against women within the framework of a system of power relations. This system is characterised by inequality and discrimination by men against women. Most ill-treated women tend to suffer multiple risks of social and employment exclusion. Hence the need for an integrated approach to deal with such cases when they arise and to pre- vent other cases in the future. One can say that those who are poorly-educated, have little or no work experience, have children or other dependents and have been unemployed for a long time are the ones who suffer most.

Sadness, nihilism, bitterness, worthlessness and hopelessness are just some of the emotions found among battered women. I had two children and then there was the sepa- ration. In the case of women who have suffered gender vio- lence, empowerment involves a process designed to make women independent and give them control over their lives. In other words, empowerment allows women to take decisions personal, financial and so on and be aware of their conse- quences. The sundering of links with friends and family and being denied the chance of a job can turn women into little more than household slaves.

They lose confidence in them- selves. To make the Project work, women must realise they have a great deal to contribute, that they can do a job. This is the pur- pose of our analysis. At root, it seems to have mainly helped at the personal, relational and financial levels. One of the strongest signs of empowerment was that the women had rebuilt their circle of friends.

In some cases, these friends were other sales staff, people they already knew or were even regular customers once a bond of trust had been forged at the Point of Sale. The encouraging messages conveyed to the women by Danone or other firm hiring them gave positive feedback. This message contrasted strongly with the scorn heaped on the women by their erstwhile partners. This all helped the women show their worth in their jobs and that they were qualified to do them. In addition to these encouraging messages, Danone or other contracting firm gave the women positive feedback, which proved much more valuable than for other workers.

Further- more, this set of inputs helped the women improve their job performance because such positive feedback was the opposi- te of the degrading treatment they had suffered during 10, 15 or 20 years of domestic violence. The women enjoyed good treatment in their jobs as reps and the benefits of this were reinforced by therapy workshops, in which the girls worked on things such as: how they saw themselves; empowerment; self-respect; other aspects that helped them see themselves in a more positive light. To sum up, the joint Danone-FAB project achieved integrated empowerment by offering the women jobs.

This meant: Recovering an active role for the women in the work sphere, giving them the chance of employment which put them on the path to rebuilding their lives and finding a job in the general employment market. Breaking with the forcible confinement of women in their homes. This new paradigm meant going beyond pity to focus on the courage of these women, their positive attitudes and depth in overcoming ad- versity with the help of psychological therapies, etc.

This section therefore sets out to evaluate the transformation undergone by the women thanks to the Danone-FAB project. To this end, we analyse to what extent the women taking part in the project have changed the way they see themselves, social realities and where they fit.

The aim was to discover how par- ticipation in the project empowered the women and fostered individual and family welfare, health and social development. Figure 7. Howe- ver, the project must be wider in scope so that it not only provides work but also covers the various factors personal, social networks, etc. Integrated em- powerment goes beyond material considerations and requires a change in attitude. They are therefore not alone on the path to empowerment. Here, there are synergies between the personal dimension and the relational dimension support groups.

When women escape from the housebound lives imposed on them by their partners, it means they communica- te and socialise with others, whether they be other women who have suffered ill treatment, people in ge- neral, work mates, clients, neighbours, family, etc. Put baldly, it means the women recover communi- cation skills so they can interact normally with the people around them on a daily basis.

At the same time, it helps break down the barriers that women who are often introverted, frightened and unwilling to express opinions erect after years of abuse. Through this empowerment process, the women put their stren- gths and abilities into action, recovering their self-confidence, and taking the first steps in beginning a new life of freedom. In FAB, women receive individual and group coaching on their life project, empowerment workshops, vocational training, and the chance of a first job as a Danone brand ambassador at a Point of Sale.

This job fosters social integration and helps make the women feel they are part of a team and gives them a measure of financial independence. What characterises gender violence is that it is part of the structure of society and is en- demic to all social groups. Nevertheless, its consequences for women are the same. They have a profession but what good is that if you your nerves are shot to hell and you lack the tools to make your own way in life?

I could recount many such cases. Paqui is one. As noted earlier, both aspects are closely linked. Communication with work mates and clients enri- ches relations and thus helps the women see themselves in a more positive light. In any event, the job acts as a financial springboard, opening up better prospects. On the bright side, their job changes how they see themselves and give them the chance to become ac- tive agents of change.

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We used 42 codes to classify and analyse the interview re- sults. The codes are used to summarise the complex informa- tion emerging from the interviews. The codes are listed below. Their meaning is spelt out in later sections. The number of quotations linked to this code family is given for each dimension. This figure shows the number of times these items crop up in the 46 interviews. The number gives information on the aspects that crop up most in the interviews.

One should note that this report only discusses those codes that were most significant for the purposes of this study. Accompaniment Social report 2. Public Administration Entry to the labour market 3. Active agent Interaction-Sociability 4. Agent of social change Education and work experience 5. Aspects of the Project to be improved and changed Achieving normality through work 6. Self-respect Participation in the media 7. Personal freedom Participation in organisations 8.

Company subsidies Certification of ill-treatment Risk of dependence-paternalism Conflicts of interest: Danone-FAB Risk of stigmatisation: the work sphere Work-life balance Risk of stigmatisation: Support Group Working conditions Risk of stigmatisation: State aid The economic crisis in Spain Profile of women taking part in the Danone Brand Ambassador Project Definition of empowerment Social recognition Employability Empowerment Relationship with partner Emotional stability Springboard job: cons Social stigma Springboard job: pros Employment expectations Generally positive assessment of Project FAB-Danone training Gender violence Support groups Visibility versus Invisibility Table 2: Summary of the codes by dimensions The interviews reveal that the Project participants took advan- tage of the opportunity to enter the labour market.

Neverthe- less, the economic crisis means they find it just as hard to find jobs as everyone else. Figure 8. The dimensions of economic empowerment 4. It boosts self-confidence and facilitates personal relations. In the case of victims of do- mestic violence, having a job is even more important. That is because is a tool for rebuilding a shattered life and making a new start.

Financial independence is key. Furthermore, it gives you a great deal of strength. The job has en- abled them to overcome the fears, frustrations and memories that stopped them leading a normal life. I finally plucked up courage and chatted to him. He was about the same age as my former partner. It came as a pleasant surprise to find he was really nice — not all men are the same.

It is a job that helps them recover their dignity and learn new skills and discover their aptitudes. I was happy I had start- ed on the path to recovery. It is aimed at all the women in the School, including those who may take part in the campaign in the future. The training is compulsory and is held two or three times a year. The first training course is held at the beginning of the campaign and later courses build on this and cover the launch of new products.

Information is also given when a special campaign on a product is under way and for which extra knowledge is needed. Other special training covers the campaign approach and the daily work of the staff from when they arrive at the Point of Sale to when they leave. It provides practical tips on how to get through the security gates at the workplace, uniform, shelf-stacking, how to place dairy products, approach custom- ers and even how to fill in the weekly report.

Apart from this training, the brand ambassadors attend FAB workshops designed to further progress at work. When the School began, it started by training its trainers. She is a gypsy and had almost no schooling but she is a great saleswoman because she spent her whole life selling stuff in markets. Nevertheless, some people have been at the School for some time and there is the risk that they may provide too much information or lose interest.

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This is why new training methods and contents have been introduced — for example, the use of gaming approaches in the training preceding the campaign. You know about the strawberry one because it has whipped fruit and is creamier. The fruit is whipped because it is easier for kids to eat. The strawberry is natural and the yoghurt creamier. He said. This tends to occur when reps ask highly specific or technical questions about a given product.

The brand ambassadors get asked such detailed ques- tions that it is very hard to come up with answers. That is when they ask you what they should say. Danone has a Customer Service Line. With this mind, each rep has details of the courses and workshops she has attended. That is because diplo- mas and certificates specifying the duration, dates and subject of training would likely be of interest to a prosepctive employer.

The job is no ordinary one. Rather, it is because it is a two-year programme in which women act as brand am- bassadors, receive training, psychological support and other help from FAB. The job was conceived as a bridge to regular employment, not as an end in itself. Thanks to the opportunity provided by the springboard job, some of the women have been able to find a normal job and thus enter the labour market.

In other words, they have en- tered or re-entered the job market and have been financially empowered as a result.

Why would any woman want to submit?

Legendary Femdom Bathroom Domination K views. I say be patient and communicate to your partner. Stroking her hair once more, he moved away. The survivors devise a plan to fight back against the enslaving aliens, and July 4th becomes the day humanity will fight for its freedom. These techniques complemented one another and furnished supplementary in- formation on the same phenomenon. When heavyweight champion Apollo Creed visits Philadelphia, his managers want to set up an exhibition match between Creed and a struggling boxer, touting the fight as a chance for a ""nobody"" to become a ""somebody"". The advice about keeping everything locked to ensure you have keys before using it is very clever and something I never thought about.

Some of the interviewees have been able to make a quali- tative leap into service sector jobs for example, as cooks, supermarket till girls, saleswomen, telephone customer care workers, waitresses, cleaners, etc. If they see someone who is a good worker, they put her on the till. For them, the springboard job was not only a stepping-stone to better posts but it also paved the way to working in a co-op or starting up their own businesses for ex- ample, in the interior decoration, catering, hairdressing, and dance school sectors.

An example of this kind of entrepreneurship can be seen in a project for setting up a furniture firm. The project was begun by two women who took part in the School and are interior designers. Deterding, S. However, the pos- itive views predominate with regard to the way the job em- powers the women in financial, personal and relational-social terms. The negative views are in a minority but are significant nonetheless. In general terms, the brand ambassador job gives the women a degree of financial independence, which is needed if they are to become empowered.

The task is to give customers information on the various products stocked on the shelves in order to boost sales. Apart from tendering advice to customers, the reps also hand out discount cupons and organise product tastings. The main features of the job were analysed prior to carrying out the evaluation. For this purpose, the following eight di- mensions of this kind of work were taken into account: 1. There are many women for whom this is their first chance to work after separating from their partners as a result of domestic violence.

The problem of having no previous history of employment is made worse by domestic violence. Came by for drink recipes and got sucked into this, lol Nice article, but where are these real, whiskey drinking men?? Whiskey drinking, pants wearing, mannerly dominant men are out there, you just need to be yourself and find one to submit to…. What I never understand is women who say they want a real man a dominant man but than the second your around their friends they want to take charge or degrade you.

If you want a dominant man to stick around than you need to learn how to be submissive. Me and my wife argue about things but when it comes down to it I am in charge and she knows it. I disagree with you entirely. The dynamic of a relationship is what you make it. To put your partner on show is degrading to your relationship you and her, I would never get pleasure out of putting anyone I love on show. My Dom loves, respects and adores me in public, then owns and ravages me in private, as it should be.

My sub is a strong willed, independent, intelligent driven woman, but during our private time in public, at our homes and bedrooms she submits whole and completely. I love and respect her like no other. I have a question, more so for your wife, on how to be a good submissive. And from you how you started being a dom?

My husband and I are interested in this actually becoming our lifestyle. But its hard to explain to him how to be a master. And I generally know how to be a good pet, but I would like some others advice. I want a submissive man in all areas of my life, but I think most women are confused between what they actually want and what society tells them they should want. Society tells all of us that the only men worth being with are macho, hyper-masculine alpha males.

This is fine if you are a naturally submissive woman. If you are a dominant female, find a submissive man. If you are submissive female find a dominant man. End of story. That may be true for you. For what it is worth, my partner is highly accomplished, professional, and in charge of everything she does.

At work she is in charge of the entire hospital department when she is working. She has written texts and teaches young doctors. She literally makes life and death decisions for patients, and she is naturally highly inclined to be in control everywhere in her life. If ever there were a naturally dominant woman, it is her. We were together for 8 years before a persistent relationship block led me to stumble upon an unexpected paradox. Being so naturally dominant was exactly the key to why being dominated in the bedroom was so freeing and thus sexually rewarding to her. Finally, a place where she was literally prevented from controlling anything but her willingness to continue submitting.

To say the least our relationship is on a new and highly rewarding plane. She swears she would have never 5 lifetimes guessed this about herself. But she discovered it and now rarely wants anything else, though the contract does permit her to make one romantic request a week. What, after all, would be the benefit to either partner for an average man to dominate a weak and naturally submissive woman? Whiskey tastes so much better when it is simply from a kiss instead of a glass. This was good for me to read.

It took me awhile to get used to her calling me a DOM. He watches me almost every second of every day. Sits by the bathroom door and waits for me to exit the bathroom. I guess she means kinky. Chuckling I think of things to do with Betty, and I get a little aroused. A Little? No, Make it Very aroused. Having to adjust my pants to make myself comfortable while driving.

A few times I have pulled over or into a rest area or an exit ramp, and Ordered Betty. We get a quickie and back to driving truck I go. Normally, I try to make sure she gets off first, or at the same time. Yesterday, we laid down because w e w a s t i r ed! We delivered the shipment, came to the truck stop, and was going to get some sleep. I had No Intentions of getting it on. I laid down, Betty beside me, her head on my arm, and facing my chest. I was almost asleep when my head hit the pillow. She whispered, i love you, and Bit me lightly on my chest. She told me the only way I was going to get to go to sleep was….

But, we woke up a few hours later, and laughed about what happened. I Will make it up to her. As for the my being the Dom part of this story. I need Practice. I am proud and impressed by you. Your relationship with Betty shows that love can never be diminished, and that communication is the key to any healthy relationship.

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Bit me lightly on my chest. But hey I guess this is amateur hour! Haha, Nicholas, you must be really dominant. This is the perfect example of the difference between actual dominance and weakness-motivated desire for dominance. Im 21 and up until about three months ago my sex life had been rather lacking. But I met a woman few years older than me that likes to have be spanked, have her hair pulled, slapped around a bit and generally be told what to do. At first I was extremely uncomfortable with it. During sex she basically ordered me to pull her hair and spank her I did and shit kind of just escalated from there.

Other guys reading this might not be ok with that type of thing. But, if your not even willing to try it than that type of girl definitely is not for you. I had a very similar experience. I write it for the men like me, hopefully they can easily learn the things I learned the hard way. I am a gay woman.

I am the alpha in the relationship and have been very interested in becoming a Dom. Firstly, as you identify as a woman the correct spelling for you would be a Domme. As for where to start, that will depend on where, exactly, you would like to get to. My best suggestion is to sign up for a session or two of BDSM coaching, with me!

If you want to know more about that write me an email and I will set up a time for a skype chat. You need to learn both the theory of what you are doing, and why, and you need to learn the techniques for the actions. For example: the theory on why you would tie someone up with rope is pretty self-evident, but the process is not. If you tie someone up incorrectly you can cause serious damage. Get the proper supplies, learn proper techniques, and learn how to be safe. Dear sir, I am an unattached sub as of current. Though I recently got into contact with an ex boyfriend I was with 10 years ago, before I realized my true self.

He always had a suspicion of my submissive side, though it never came to light until after him and I stopped talking last. I need to please him. He seems to have a dominant side in him, so I decided to let him know what I need. It took him back at first, but he also told me that it made sense. I need guidance. As much as I want to please him, I fear I may just scare him off, and I might be better off finding a true, experienced dom. Could you please give me some advice? Hello, sub. This is one of those tricky situations where things rarely work out well. The problem is that you are looking for a lifestyle, full power exchange.

While any man can learn how to play a roll for fun in bed, to take on this roll as a lifestyle requires a desire and dedication that needs to come from him. It takes a long time to learn how to be a good Dom. I would find various pieces of information: articles, videos, discussions, etc. And see how he takes to them. I would approach him as nothing more than casual fun, until you know he can provide for you what you need.

Unfortunately most people are unable or unwilling to be the type of man you are looking for. I am a sub. My issue is this, now that I have awakened this, nothing else will ever be enough. And so few fit into this category in my town. So my question is this: if I find a man who is willing to experience this, what is the best way for him to learn? Thank you in advance. Being open and honest with your expectations and desires will always make for a much better relationship or scene.

But if he wants to, for his own desires, learn then get him to start reading and talking to people about it. Or better yet, get him to sign up for coaching with me — Sean Lind coaching. The advice about keeping everything locked to ensure you have keys before using it is very clever and something I never thought about.

Overall, this had a lot of good advice. Glad you enjoyed it. If all you got was just that one tip, the article was worth my time to write. Thank you, Sir, for your help in allowing me to realize just how much I would mean to a dominant. Read everything you can, learn all you can, and do everything in your power to be safe.

I would also be very careful about actually playing with anyone in the scene until your next birthday. No matter what you think, want, and believe, sometimes everything goes crazy down in the US. The last thing you want is someone you love to get hurt. Thank you Sir. My hope is to one day have a relationship such as theirs, with a true dom who understands me and my needs.

Again, thank you Sir. It all depends on where you live. I enjoy aiding and sharing in their personal and sexual discoveries and thoroughly enjoy relying on my experience to ensure that every moment is memorable, meaningful, and safe. How did you discover that you wanted to be a submissive?

I am a submissive. The man I am currently with has no clue about this. I want to introduce it to him so he can become my Dom. Only thing is hes not really into that kind of thing. What do you think I should do. The problem is, for a Dom to be able to take on the amount of work, dedication, attention, and sheer will to be able to control and push you, they need to want to do it with every fiber of their being.

So my advice would be to have a conversation with him, about what you like and why you like it. Send him to this blog, have him read about it. And see how willing he is to start learning. But be prepared for this not to work out. Typically it never does when trying to convert someone.

This almost describes my current situation to a T. My girlfriend is a submissive and i have no idea about the bdsm world. A friend has given me suggestions on things to do and I found this site through a search. Besides reading are there videos that i could turn to so that i coukd learn more? There are tonnes of videos for techniques out there, and lots of porn for ideas, but the most important part of this all is the mental aspect.

Making sure you know what you are trying to accomplish and why. Who will probably do what ever you say to not lose you. I know this is a late reply, but more so to others who are reading this. So I tell her, well you need to be submissive and do all the things I like otherwise I will leave. You would all be screaming at how awful I am. I took the chance and introduce my husband into a book and a man that I met on Instagram that talks about the dom — sub relationship. My husband and I have been together for 18 years combined. I say be patient and communicate to your partner. Wow that was hot!

I said give it a try what do you really have to lose? The best advice I have is to start small and build up. Start by treating your sub as you would like to be treated, and then grow and adapt. Make sure you move at your own pace, with strong slow confidence. Be sure you know how to do every action before you start, the risks and all safety. And most of all just have fun. Hi, First of all may I just say that I loved this article. Many people believe that being a sub is degrading, etc… But this article proves that subs also have a lot of power, if not all of it.

Secondly, and this is about my situation, I am currently with someone who has said for a while that he would love to be my sub. Is there something I can do to feel more confident? Well confidence comes from within. It comes from knowing that you can give him exactly what he craves. Now for my obligatory self promotion: I offer coaching to deal with exactly this sort of question. Good on you. Read, talk to people, and take my BDSM coaching sessions! So my husband and I are a young married couple.

I am 23 and he is Recently however he has been expressing a desire to pursue that lifestyle again with me in our marriage. Read about it, talk about it, and start off slowly! The whole point is to have better sex, more fun, and more connection and trust between you both.

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I should have an article coming soon you will be interested in as well. And if you really want more help email me, and maybe we can figure something else out. That was a good read, definitely gives much to consider. My wife recently told me how much she wants to be dominated in the bedroom. I suppose I simply have trouble letting go, and letting that side of me shine. But when it does, she loves it.

Do you have any advice for living this more than just in the bedroom? I am currently with a woman who has expressed an interest in expanding our bedroom play. I have never been a Dom and it is something we both would like to do. Potential problem, she has tried it before with someone who hurt her. She knows my intentions are to give her the most pleasurable experience possible. Can you help me? I offer coaching for both singles and couples for exactly this.

But if you want to forge your own way, I would start by reading everything you can find, and then having some very open, honest, and clear conversations with your partner. I have have just rediscovered my passion for being a Dom. I have experienced this with my ex wife for a couple years, but we were both in the beggining stages of discovery when we split. I met a girl a few weeks ago that is very experienced as a sub and had an experienced master previously. She got her release from him because it was a poly styled relationship and she wants a monogamous relationahip. I want to make this girl happy because of the spark she gave me, and her desires fit mine.

I just have reservations about the lack of experience On my end. We are very open with eachother, and talk about it daily. I want to increase my knowledge quickly and provide the best experience possible for my girl. The only way to become a great Dom is to be truly understand your motives, and yourself. And then you need to learn everything you can learn about the world, and the things we do. Read, discuss, practice, and watch videos. And if you really want to speed up your learning, sign up for coaching.

I know this site is for men, but I have to get this out.. I have fallen for a man that is not dominant. The problem is I am a submissive. Just the thought of being owned,controlled,dominated,punished and sometimes adored, satisfies my soul. My arousal is short lived with him. Sorry to hear that, Moe.

The way I see it, you have two options:. Regardless, you need to fix this. The problem with 1 is that he will never be that man unless he wants to be that man, and not just do it for you, he needs to want it for himself. If he does want that, we can turn him into something great. The second option has two options in it: you either find a second man, or you dump the first to find the new. Read my article on this site on needs versus wants. Or just start with couples counciling and ask for a reference to a good sepecialist. But ultimately if he is still uncomfortable with rising to your needs then it would be best to end the relationship before you really hurt each other.

The sub I wish to own said he had a friend that would want me.. Or because he dont like me. You will have to speak to him about that, I would just be making a wild guess. Just ask him, directly. Great read above, Thanks for That. Thanks in advance. You can sub for one partner, Domme another. I would explore the Domme side first, find someone to play around with. Search on fetlife, head to a munch, and see what you enjoy.

And if you ever meet someone you want to submit to, who can take away that power, enjoy that too. Just make sure you communicate, everything, clearly up front. I am very new to being a sub and actually always considered myself more dominant but I want to explore. My problem is this. However my Dom makes it all about him, all about his pleasure and what I have to do to give him it — it sounds as tho I will not receive any pleasure.

Or Am I just so new to it all? Help please! I just found out that my long-term, live-in bf has had the same sub for 4 years and had another one before that. When we originally got together, he was always alluding to wanting to Dominate me and I liked the thought, but I was shy and vanilla. He piqued my interest though and now all I want is to be his sub, but he refuses to see me that way.

When I try to spice things up in the bedroom, he tells me to have some respect for myself. I really need your advice. Regardless, the only way you have a chance to work through this is by talking about it. There is no other way I can think of. I have an alternative perspective to Sean and its good to remember that neither may be right but be open to consider all possibilities.

However I do struggle at times with a conflict between making sure I am being responsible to her as a sub and also being able to meet her in a healthy way. It occurred to me that perhaps your bf does truly care about you but as Sean alluded to though he recognises his nature may not be fully comfortable with it as a healthy option in your relationship.

This is probably a good thing for you at this point. However try telling him you are interested in it. Learn all you can outside the bedroom. You might both grow out of the experience. Is he didnt ask me for any health history.. An he says because we r not face to face… Also another red flag is that ever since we started talkin an ever since he knew i was a sub… He would automatically tell me what he wanted me to do… After awhile he started asking questions… He did tell me wat he expected from me but has harldy said anything bout himself cept hes into certain things like greek an boxing weightloss trainer but has yet to show me proof… Hes yet to show me any pics of himself but has a few of me….

Another red flag i have is that ever since he laid down the ground rules… Which was yesterday… Only talked to him for less than a week… Hes been degrading me over an over again… It seems like hes shown me no respect at all.. Am i makin to much out of this or r these actual red flags i need to start considering… Because when we talk my brain just wants to shut down an not respong… I kno im a sub… But i feel somethin is wrong… Any advice? I think you should go with your gut. But even so, you need to get what you need out of it for it to be worth your time. Hi Sean.

I have always connected with women very easily and formed trusted relationships with them quickly,I also try very hard to be a gentleman. Confidence is, by far, the most important thing. The first things you really want to learn is theory: what are your goals? What are your tools? You want to understand what your intended reaction is. You should be striking them intending to cause a specific reaction, putting them into a specific emotional state.

Your job as a Dom is emotional manipulation. But as for actual tangible things, safety should always be 1. After that it depends on your own style. But a good Dom can be just as effective with nothing, as with all the toys in the world. I am not either but love all the other aspects of being a Dom — full control, for her pleasure. I never considered myself a Dominant, but I was always in control of everything, confident, and had a great sex life.

About 7 years ago I started having health problems and had to go on disability. Since then things have been different. I lost my confidence, I no longer control anything in my home, and my sex life is mediocre at best. My health issues are not as bad as they were, but my confidence is so low that I have not been able to find gainful employment. Are there any tips or advice you could give me to finding and maintaining that part of myself again? Thank you, for the article above, and for any help you can give….

This is unfortunate,but it is entirely understandable and do not worry,all hope is not lost. Open up to your partner about what she requires of you to be better, as well as encourage her on being very mindful and responsive to you as you both embark on further exploration into the deeper things pertaining to kink and your preferences. Keep in mind that your confidence and know how will go a long way when it comes to accurately pleasing her, but never let the allure become mundane.

By staying keenly intrinsic to her needs and preferences you can decide the perfect bond of trust built on your Dominance in all matters as well as her accentuated pleasure. I hope this offers some assistance in opening up the forum for further discussion and kinky interest with your loved one. Hiya, I am deffinetly submissive. My boffins and I have played around with light bdsm but I want something more.

Any advice? Sit down with him and have a discussion. Talk it out, and set up a scene, a plan, for moving forward. And you could always send him in for some coaching…. That being said, I do find it erotic to watch. I am very kinky and enjoy many unconventional sexual experiences. I am in control of every aspect of my life. After reading your article, I see this relationship a different way.

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My GF craves a sub. She tells me about how her past relationships were all controlling and describes them in a negative way but I know her prior man was a Dom and she still desires that dark side. I want ton please her, what ever it takes. Can a super kinky guy become a Dom or am I helpless??? Instead of a comment,, I have an important question being I am very new to being a sub. I met a man who I rather like, but when it came time to become intimate he said he was a dominant.

Nor am I a dominant. In my world, most of all my favorite subs have been independent, strong, women. So he may be the best sex you will ever find, or he may be a shitty Dom who will balk at your strength, expecting you to play along and give control, instead of taking it. I am very new to this and I need help. The girl I really care about is into this and i want to learn how to be a dom to show her how much she mean to me. I been looking online but i havent found anything that can help me understand how to be a good dom.

I know me being in the military and oversea from her will make this really hard to control things however I really want to do this and I could used the help. Just having problems being comfortable or confident in what I do. Being useto being a sub and all. So I geus that I would identify as a switch? But how do I relay these to my sub in a dominant manner?

I could have done more for myself and for others had I understood more sooner. No doubt though, once you have kids, it is all about them. Life as a bigger picture is yet another level on this.

Fun is great, needs are great. The needs of the next generation are… even greater. I disagree with you. Firstly, not everyone has, wants to have, or will have children. And more importantly, not everyone believes you need to sacrifice your own personality when you do.

The only warning is that it can be difficult to switch with a single partner. I understand that my Dom is to take control in nearly all aspects of my life with him. My problem is, I feel he forces oral sex on me. I have explained to him that I do not like giving him oral sex all the time.

I only want to please my Dom, but I do not like being forced into oral sex every single time. Am I doing something wrong? We have been together seeing each other not together in the same home for about 5 years About a year ago he moved to another state for a new job. We have continued to see each other as often as we can. Tell me over and over how beautiful I am and how lucky he was to have me. Our sex life has always been amazing and still is. I have always loved the feeling of giving up control to him bc I am a very independent women and allowing someone else to have the control is refreshing.

After reading this article I realize it takes a special kind of man who is willing to accept responsibility for his sub well being and that means to me being attentive to her needs. I quickly began realizing that my guy does not meet the criteria to call himself a Dom. He has become very self centered to his own needs and desires these days. He no longer adores me as he once did and yet becomes annoyed when I call him out on it. I suspect he is seeking out other subs and although I have remained loyal I wonder if a sub can remain in this type of relationship for only the sex purposes and crush the feelings of needing the emotional connect, unlikely I suppose Our communication consist of hours of topics of sex.

I am fighting an illness at this time and he has no interest of knowing about it. Or anything else of importance in my life. He contends that I belong to him and yet offers no comfort or support to me. My wife and I of fifteen years found that something was lacking in the bedroom. We had tried toys and even threesomes but still it seemed to dull until she found her submissive side. Normally, I am a vanilla person or so I thought. After reading your words, I want to learn more and become her dom and her my sub.

Your suggestion on rules and procedures are where I am going to start. We have kids so I agree that the rules and procedures must not cause a conflict.

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As a first time dom, what else can I do because after reading your site, I want to do this more and more. Well now, this article spoke to me. Thank you. I have always had the need to please a woman,provide security and pleasure beyond anything she has ever experienced before. I will definitely look into your coaching. Again, thank you for a well written and insightful article. This past summer I met a man that awakened a world of kink to me. He is absolutely the best lover I have ever had! I am 34 and I was married for almost 13 yrs and never experienced the things we did.

During this relationship my devotion for him grew more. I trust him with my very life. More specifically I desire him to be my Dom. We have continued to sporadically see one another but during this time he has found a girlfriend. But, I need more. I grew so impatient with him only calling me when he wanted to do kink that I went on a search to find a Dom. I met this gentleman online who said he has been a Dom for years.

I arranged to meet him and then he told me that we would meet at his house not in public, that was a huge risk I know! Which it turned out to be ok but I look back and have no idea what I was thinking! I said no and he said what if I would go get one right now. I asked him what will you do with it? He said anything I want. He replied that is not going to stop me.

It was thrilling! BUT, there is still the man that I met last summer that I would serve in an instant if he asked me to. I have asked him to please educate himself on it and please get back to me if this is something he is willing to enter into with me. I told him I could not see him again if his answer is no. I am not sure what to do or if I am going about all of this in the right way.

Should I walk away from the man and put my trust in this Dom? I loved this article and I would appreciate any advice you can give me. Thank you, Sir. Potentially seeing others too but refused to discuss, as if that was not needed? Subconsciously choosing dominant men, clearly still struggling with the cross over with abusive.

Do you think? Do you believe this was abusive, never discussing so I feel I had no chance?

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Apparently his ex wife feel in to the role at 21, naturally. Again unkind to compare I think, but at least some communication. So hard a year on to move on, I know I can take my pick but I loved him. He kept texting through hard times after we split, family deaths etc then I asked him to leave me alone as I kept saying if you want to see me etc and he never did so I felt I was being abused, again.

Absolute clear communication, trust, and both parties getting what they need are crucial to a healthy BDSM relationship. Ive been married 5 years my wife is submissive in mostly everything in our lives. Now when it comes to sex she is completely submissive and has given me full control of her yet we both have expressed wanting to use tie ups and cuffs nd she has expressed full blindfolded domination but as dominant as i am it feels awkward the moment toys or cuffs come into play I really have trouble actually bringing out the items at that Moment yet i can have her in her position without tieing her nd have her hands behind her back with no cuffs and she wont move them, any advice on why its so difficult for me to use the blindfold nd ties???

Most men who are in a vanilla relationship they are trying to turn more kinky have very similar problems. It comes from you feeling the need to show your wife respect, to protect her, to keep her from harm. You need to change your perspective and understand that you are doing these things, for her.

Play the part, and her let her overwhelmingly positive reactions embolden and inspire you. After reading this article, which I did to become a better Dom, I am happy that there are articles like this. Thank you for your article. Keep on posting! Everyone should read this, it just shows that we all need to communicate more and be honest, not only with others, but ourselves.

Your petty moral pontifications pale in comparison. For years the sex was creative, loving, often violent and satisfying for the both of us. I travel extensively, and she shows no interest in joining, which provides ample opportunity to play, although discretion dictates little true dalliance. She has intimidated men all of her life, with a very limited number approaching her or meeting her expectations, resulting in a sexualy frustrated but devastatingly beautiful woman.

Their confidence, power and beauty intimidates most except the arrogant, shallow, misogynistic narccisists she rightly loathes. Now she is orgasming only when I desire and allow it, while I remain cool and calculating, either while fucking, holding her down and applying the stimulation with toys, or telling her how ot masturbate while I study intenty. In many ways, I find it an even more sincere display of submission when I direct her into a contorted position, and have her maintain that without ropes as I abuse and pleasure her.

In this way, there are fewer doubts about what she can expect when I am present and increase the pressure, tension, forcefulness or duration of my attentions, at least not yet. As the trust builds to complete submission, and her dependence, there will be more surprises.