Silence can be uncomfortable but if you learn to be still in moments of silence, you become a more attentive listener. It will break your bond of trust. Let your son share his opinion. Your son is entitled to his own opinion. If he makes a disparaging remark, this is the time to address it. Find out what is influencing his thoughts and what he is feeling.
He may be processing the information or thinking about a response. Be patient with him and let follow his cue. The best thing to do is wait as opposed to jumping to conclusions or making false accusations. If you do catch him in a lie, be upfront and talk to him about why he felt the need to lie to you.
A moment of inconvenience beats a memory of regret. Keep in mind that there are teachable moments throughout the day, so look for opportunities to chat with him about important topics. Get the best stories from The Good Men Project delivered straight to your inbox, here. Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week. Marie is co-founder of CompassionConvos, CompassionConvos are cross and inter-generational conversations using social media, online and in person around difficult subjects of bias.
Conversations include, and are not limited to racism, sexism, homophobia and xenophobia. These conversations challenge biases through dialogue and taking action. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed. Initially, I thought this might be good advice. It does make me wonder though. Not as a son to his mother or father, but as a person to another person. This approach is for anyone, regardless of gender. It could be what a man is taught as a child in how he communicates with others.
It also can be how we are communicating? This information would have been really helpful during my marrage to a man 14 years younger than me. I bought you some new pants. My son is only 5. I already have to control my urge to turn things into a lecture.
He has to feel free to explore his identity and I am to serve as a guide. Assuming I get it right now the pattern will be set for many great future conversations etc. How do I create a safe space for him to share with me. There are times, you have to instruct and guide but as they get older, there needs to be an effort to balance listening and speaking.
While I like a lot of what you said, From the start I wanted to correct the title. First Name Last Name. Friend's Email Address.
Your Name. Your Email Address. Sometimes talking to your son can feel like a one-way conversation. If your mom was a source of toxicity and stress as you were growing up, then you'd probably like to move on and not think about her. But unforutnately, that can be easier said than done.
You might find yourself thinking about harsh things she said, or having flashbacks to dramatic moments. As Bilek says, if "she still occupies more space in your brain than you want to give her and has more of an effect on your emotions than you want to allow," therapy may be just what you need to clean the toxicity from your brain. If you're still carrying around pain from the past, you might catch yourself feeling overly-triggered by your mom's moods if you're still in contact with her. You might be "preoccupied with deciphering when she is pleased or upset with you," Milrad says.
When that's the case, giving yourself more space can help, so that you're less reliant on her, and thus less likely to get caught up in her drama. But therapy can also be key, as it can give you better coping skills so you'll know just what to do the next time your mom's in a bad mood.
Did you grow up with your mom saying you'd never amount to anything? Or that you were a huge disappointment? These harsh words can serve as motivation to get through college, or snag a dream job. But, as Milrad says, "you are still controlled by her words even though they may be motivating you onto greatness. Feeling motivated to do awesome things is great, but it's important to learn how to motivate yourself, rather than using the drive to prove someone wrong as what's pushing you forward.
By remembering that her harsh words had way more to do with her than with you , it may be possible to free yourself from that painful memory.
My mom died in a tragic car accident when I was just For years now, I've longed to connect with her on a spiritual level. Today was finally. Neither, really, because you're mixing formal speech with informal speech. but English is pretty relaxed, so if you can be understood, most folks.
When toxicity is all you know, it makes sense why you might end up dating someone who's just like your mom. In addition, sometimes, people end up in this type of a relationship with that hope that they will finally be able to win over a rejecting person central to their life. That's why it's important to reach out to people who care about you — like friends, other family members, or a therapist — so you can realize you're true worth, and date someone who sees that also. Similarly, you may realize that your toxic mom has affected your ability to find and maintain healthy relationships as an adult.
They feel threatened when someone close to them has a different opinion or preference. They will either over-attach to romantic partners or friends or are completely emotionally shut down and withdrawn, one end of the spectrum or the other. While this may be where you're at right now, it's totally possible to relearn relationship skills, and make healthier choices going forward. If you're super hard on yourself, it almost definitely has something to do with how you were raised, and the harsh words that have leaked into your head.
And this can have secondary effects. But that's the first step in getting better and moving on. No matter what happens in life, do you find a way to feel guilty about it or make it all your fault? This constant blame becomes ingrained so you may feel like you are always doing something wrong or about to make a mistake.
The affects of growing up with parents who didn't acknowledge you, or who made you feel like you were never good enough, can manifest in adulthood as a desire to people-please.